Hey! Here's a HAPPY clip and some fun shots befitting the season at hand. HAPPY HOLIDAYS and MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, from my precious Toby and me, the wrinkled ol twat.....I mean Santa! ;) "I have the amazing power of invisibility! Even YOU wouldn't be seen with me!" BUT... if you want to know more about me, my collections, my miniatures or any of my books, just key my full name, "Michael Hunter McVay," into the search box on Amazon! #foryouシ #magic #adhd #PTSD #author #michaelhuntermcvay #loveyou #peace #happy #lucky #fashion #loveislove #goodvibes #ghost #witch #wishlist #family #holiday #chowchow #Christmas #lgbtqia #artist #readers #fypシ

It makes me sick to see this world where beautiful, loving, innocent people, animals and children are obliterated and erased from the planet at the whims of wealthy imbeciles with power and position. I sit alone, and my ADHD, c-PTSD partially controlled mind wanders. I FEEL the energy as it leaves what was once beauty, crushed by the hands of monsters who serve only themselves, while what nature has given us should be treasured! I don't give a flying FF if you can't relate to anything I say. That's okay, because YOU be YOU! Do what it takes to get you through, but all I ever ask is to bring "HARM TO NONE." I know wonderful people all over the world, but I have very, very few close friends. I am not successful at everything I try, but at least I try! I will not always be here for you, but I wish that I could be there at any second that you need me. We share a beautiful, tragic, fabulous, wondrous, terrifying world together at the same time, but we are not the same - you and I, in any other way. Perhaps, we have common interests, goals, dreams, and desires, but our lives are completely unique and incomparable. We are divided in far more ways than we are unified, but that is what should bring us together rather than rip us apart. I try NOT to have enemies. Holding on to hate and/or wishing revenge on even the very people who mistreated us the most, is wasted energy. Make peace if possible. Be the one to make the first move to fix things that YOU have shared responsibility in destroying. You do not have to forgive nor forget wrongdoings done to you but at least try to understand what made the other person chose to act out or respond so negatively. With that said, if making peace is impossible - learn to make peace with yourself. Some of the worst situations start from a simple misunderstanding and escalate into a nightmare result. Listen, communicate and HEAR each other FIRST. By this, I am not suggesting that you can't have a sense of humor and joke around. Think first. AND - being stoic may keep you calmer and younger looking, but unless it comes naturally to you - choose to be the unique, REAL YOU at all times! Now and then, I think I am still "kind of pretty" for my age, and I try to stay in decent shape for what it's worth, but I know the clock is ticking and I will not be able to pull it all together and continue to appear acceptable enough for society. I never really tried to be what "they" require or expect. I lack the means to meet the standards, in a number of ways. I have never been allowed to feel worthy because of many downfalls - some my own fault, some not so much. I hurt people unintentionally by saying stupid things before I really think about it. If you only knew how all of this came to be. I know I was so much more than anyone could handle as a kid, but it was a time when there was NO ONE who knew what was actually wrong with me. I am me because of all the things that were/are wrong with me. I OWN it all! I am FREE! I don't NEED anything from you. I'm not expecting nor asking for anything except what I always wish for. Forgot what my wish is? "Be GOOD to each other! It is FREE! Give your time, devotion, enthusiasm, abilities, gifts and powers whenever and however you can, as often as possible - with HARM TO NONE!" Again, I'm not looking for anything from you that you can't give freely. THIS post is NOT about YOU. I write for me. I am a writer, even if I am the only one who actually knows that. There are millions and millions of other people and other books for you to explore. Somewhere, everything you want awaits you, but YOU must look for it. It is NOT coming to you. Blessed be! You may always join me at my table. I am waiting for you. Now, it is your turn. #foryouシシ   #magic   #adhd   #PTSD   #author   #michaelhuntermcvay   #loveyou   #peace   #happy   #lucky   #fashion   #loveislove   #goodvibes   #ghost   #witches   #wish   #family   #November   #lgbtqia   #holidayseason   #artist   #readers   #fypシ

📚 Want to track down my book titles in any corner of the globe where Amazon roams? Just punch my full name into Amazon's search bar. I'm head over heels for my readers, and guess what? They're totally smitten with me too! I BARE it all! Or is that BEAR it all? Hmmm.... #lgbtq🌈 #ptsd #miniature #palmsprings #queer #queerbooks #gaybooks #author #gayromance #bookcommunity #kindle #kindleunlimited #kindlebooks #diversity #bookish #loveislove #lgbtqia #instagay #lgbt #lgbtpride #gaybooks #lgbtbooks #gay #PTSD #palmsprings #michaelhuntermcvay #childhoodmemories #cernunnos #meridianms #barbie #ken #meridianms #ptsdawareness

Quickie Video for YOU! Blessed be and whatnot.... CRAZY SH*T I DO TO SELL MY BOOKS! Who do I have to ______ to sell a book! Cheeseus! Get a grip, we're all adults here, yeah? Kick back with me for a minute! Watch the damn video! #chowchow   #foryouシ   #witchyvibes   #family   #author   #michaelhuntermcvay   They say puppies and babies increase advertising sales, right? "Well, Cooter, I ain't got me no babies!" Let's see if these can help me sell a few books! You guessed it! I'm a struggling author aching to share my story because I think there are other people out there who need to know that they are not alone! YOU are a survivor, and you have a reason to be here! IYKYK! I tell the true story of being the little boy, teen, young man, etc... who survived decades of torture and abuse at the hands of a psychotic maniac in my inspiring LGBTQ+ coming of age memoir, "Michael, Little Boy Black & Blue," and I have a few other titles that follow along with this one. I have some pretty-raunchy, silly, Southern comedy too, "The Repulsive Tales of Wayward Fern" may be a good choice if you like weird shit! As a former hick and an LGBTQ+ Author, I write real, true-life tales of love, lust, passion, betrayal, abuse, torture, pleasure, joy, and pain with a tinge of humor and inspiration from the heart. I ended up with PTSD and lived with un-diagnosed ADHD from childhood. I was a little smart-ass and maybe I deserved some butt-kicking, but not all of what I went through. Not looking for ANY pity! Never! Everybody has something hidden! But look at me! I became a successful professor, and I have set out to help as many people as I can since retiring. I'm a good listener too! I try so hard to live by the motto of "HARM TO NONE" as best I can. All of my books are very inexpensive, just like me, and often FREE on Amazon! It cost a lot to look this cheap - (thanks, Dolly)!! Check out my websites for more information on my books in fiction and non-fiction genres. I'm itching to write more stuff! Want some stuff? michaelhuntermcvay.com michaelhuntermcvay.net Just key in "Michael Hunter McVay" on the Amazon search box to find my titles! #PTSD   #adhd   #abusesurvivor   #loveyou   #peace   #puppies   #lucky   #loveislove   #superstar   #goodvibes   #ghost   #wish   #lgbtqia   #cute   #chowpuppies   #foryourpage   #unitedkingdom   #puppiesofinstagra m

Image from internet May I have YOUR input on what happened today? In the afternoon, I had cortisone injections in both feet with those long bone-penetrating needles, after the "freeze" spray that they apply. This has NOTHING to do with the story, but my Dr is quite a handsome young man. Well anyway! Shortly thereafter, we dropped by the Catholic Church in Palm Springs that we go to (now, on rare occasions). This time, we went to say our prayers and blessings in honor of Pope Francis. We did the holy water, as always, upon entering and again as we were leaving. We stepped out into the bright sunny Palm Springs heat, and I unknowingly walked directly into a massive swarm of irritated, ANGRY bees! Chris was barely spared, but he was stung as well. I tried to run when I realized what was happening, but my dead-numb feet would not work (I couldn't much feel them). I took at least a dozen stings to my face, chin and my neck plus a few more on my upper arms. I nearly hit my face hard on the concrete due to my temporarily non-functional feet, but I managed to hold my balance, somehow, after what seemed like several minutes of flopping around on my clunky feet, in spite of great trekkies. My feet were as useless as eight-inch heels on an 80-year-old man trying to run in a marathon! Yes, the stings initially hurt like "HOLY F___" there for a while, but then, within minutes - suddenly, no whelps, very little pain and almost no sign of the stings at all! Was it the cortisone freshly flowing through my veins? The Holy water? Divine intervention? Magic? My love of bees and our natural Mother Earth....or all of it? Either way, today, I am blessed. Blessed be to my wonderful readers with LOVE and PEACE! It isn't always about the light in my eyes, but the spark I see in yours. michaelhuntermcvay.com #Catholic #magic #adhd #ptsd #author #michaelhuntermcvay #love #peace #happy #lucky #fashion #loveislove #foryourpage #goodvibes #Bees #ghost #witch #wish #family #gray #senior #mmromance #foryou #magicwand

Michael Hunter McVay, Late 1980s ~ Photo credit: Z Limerick "Who's a GOOD PTSD LGBT WITCH with ADHD?" This unfiltered picture of me from the late 1980's was taken just weeks before the violent hammer attack, I sustained to my face. That injury changed nearly everything about me. It took weeks for my face to heal but my mind is still working on that. Oh, it's not like I hadn't been hurt really, really bad before! YOU don't know me. While my childhood was excessively chaotic and desperately lonely, I took on the challenge of isolation to keep myself busy with constant projects and reading. It's as if I lived two lives, one for the public and the one I lived in private. The thing is, I still feel like that pretty, groovy young man with the long, thick eyelashes and no VISIBLE scars, until I look in the mirror at the new "OLD" me - the one with wispy, sparse lashes and deep grooves. I think about how thin the fine line is between genius and insanity. I know my position and I always have. When I had a face worthy of compliments, I couldn't take them then, so go figure why I certainly can't now. But I have come to accept ALL that I am and ALL that I once was! I've never killed anyone, but it doesn't mean that I'm not capable of it. I may not be beautiful now, because EVERYTHING has a price, if you know what I mean, but it doesn't mean I have no story left to tell. I have always appreciated the efforts of those who see beyond the surface. The reason I am a witch, is because I LOVE humanity. I cherish our Earth and all living things. I was "gifted" with these treasures from dear loved ones long before most of them departed. I do NOT believe in "going to Hell." I have my own fascinating set of beliefs that only "some" people get. I know the kindred spirits when I see them, without spoken words. None of THIS is "deep" to me, because it is my normal. It is too much to get into on social media and I'm smart enough to know that nothing I say here means shit to most people anyway - and that is fine by me! I don't ask for anything from anyone - even if I should, but I give love freely. I do not wish harm to anyone now, even if I once did. I do not judge you and I do not decide nor determine what is right for you. If YOU think I'm crazy - good - it just means we are not on the same vibration, level, or perhaps not even the same realm. I'm good with that. For crazy - I am awfully well-educated, eh? Everyone has their own sense of brilliance and koo-koo! But NEVER forget how thin THAT line is. Read all of this again if you don't get it! BE different! BE you! BE! Blessed be my lovelies. THRIVE, baby! michaelhuntermcvay.com PS Don't worry about me sitting around being sad and lonely all the time. Sure, that happens, but so do plenty of joyous and happy times! Just looking around at the beauty I see and taking a nice, slow, deep breath can change everything. I am blessed to have moments of bliss and enlightenment. I am pleased. #secrets   #michaelhuntermcvay   #author   #ptsd   #adhd   #abusesurvivor   #calm   #love   #peace   #witch   #foryouシ   #lgbtqia   #family   #home   #childhoodmemories   #blessedbe #Magick #Senior

"I'm still here!" If you're not rich or famous, are you meaningless? Massive congratulations to those people who hold up a "I'm six weeks sober" sign in their posts, right? What about all of those who've been and stayed sober since the day they were born, in spite of surviving abuse, torture, rape and unending nightmares from Hell, all along the way, which they keep shamefully secured within their own grey-matter, while never giving up on the human beings that they have loved and for whom they have always been there for? How about those who have saved the lives of the kind of people who soon forget or who just did not care that someone was there for them when they were in need, because it was simply their job? What selfless thing have you done to reach into the soul of another living being to comfort them and guide them, without thinking, "What's in it for me?" You cannot make ANYONE love you nor even see who you really are inside. Don't try to change to get love from other people. Just be YOU. You are enough whether or not anyone else ever bothers to notice your magnificence. As long as YOU know that you are filled with magical beauty and precious gifts that go far beyond what anyone else would ever suspect, let it be enough. Don't count the days until someone finally tells you something nice. Be kind, do good, share, encourage, allow others to have their own kind of fun and try to overlook the things they do or say that you don't agree with. Everyone's mind develops differently based on life experiences, genetics, beliefs, and so on. You don't have to keep your mouth shut and let people walk on your rights but just know they may feel as passionately about their way of thinking as you do about your own. No two people are really ever on each other's "brainwave." Perhaps you long for attention and your talents alone should have garnered some kind of fame, but no one knows you have it, or if they do, they say nothing. Humans are pack-animals too. We want to be noticed. From time to time, human-beings need attention and at other times, we may even crave it. People may not see your gifts because they don't want to or because you have no significance to them - so they don't care. However, there are plenty of people who will see or sense your brilliance, but unless they tell you they see it, you'll never know it anyway. So, express yourself in the ways that you feel comfortable doing! Do what you need to do to get recognized as "worthy" by those who are willing to become part of your life. Those who will never give you the chance are the ones who will never matter anyway. Let the rest of the world praise them for being rich, famous, gorgeous, or whatever blessings they may have been given. Be happy for them too, if you are able, but don't be concerned about being one of them. No one has a perfect life, even if many people do have lives that may seem "so much better" than your own does to you. Things could always be worse but have faith. Live for today! So, you've been kicked, bullied, body-shamed, mistreated, cheated on, attacked, discouraged and put down time and again, yet here you are. YOU are STILL HERE! What can you do for yourself to recognize the fact that MAYBE you never turned to drugs, alcohol or bizarre addictions after all of the crazy shit that has happened to you, when many others have used that excuse to expect, if not to demand, recognition for temporarily over-coming some personal short fall? And the thing is, when they do seek recognition for things like that, it is because we need to feel like we are doing something worthy. Why am I telling you this? Because this is YOUR one life on this earth at this time. "Stuff" doesn't really matter in the long run. Your well-being, self-acceptance and self-awareness matters. You matter. Perhaps you try so hard to find your rewards in this life by doing everything that is considered as "right" as you can make it, but nothing comes of it, that you can see or feel. Do it anyway. Maybe your reward is not here at this time. More on that soon. For now, let's just say, "Maybe for you, it comes in some other way at another time and perhaps even in another place." Could it be that those people who appear to have the kind of life that you wish you had, are just people who just happen to be getting their rewards in this time and place. It doesn't mean that you will NEVER get yours, nor does it mean that "they" deserve all the things that you cannot seem to get HERE and now. When and how will your time come? Have you ever had little glimpses? Aren't there some pleasant times to recall, even if long ago and far away? Has it always been gloom? Is there any spark of wishful thinking left in you? Isolation is more than just being or feeling alone. It is a deep-set feeling of being different, or not fitting in, feeling unworthy or feeling hopeless, even if it is your own perception alone. You can be surrounded with people and still feel completely alone within yourself, your own judgment, self-loathing, recurring patterns of highs and lows, or maybe something else is up. Will it pass? Have you felt this way before? If so, did it pass? How our minds function is as unique and individual as our outside appearance. Inside, are YOU what you look like on the outside? What attributes would you change about yourself if you could? Would it change who you are on the inside? Would looking like the person you want to present to the world change you? Maybe at least a little, right? Of course, the way other people make us feel accumulates inside and it affects our behavior. Will you get the chance to be heard, seen, or recognized for the good that is INSIDE of you? I think so, but not necessarily HERE and just now. Don't give up your goodness though, simply because it seems to go unnoticed - do it anyway. You have a reason to be here OR you would not be here now. No one is worthless - especially not you! Someone in some realm, somewhere recognizes and sees the beauty within YOU right now, but it is not within our simple abilities to recognize them and to believe it is real! The lives of those lucky people who have seemingly made it, fascinates us and we may want to grasp even a little piece of it for ourselves, understandably. But we shouldn't judge those people who seem to have it all, simply because we do not have what they have. We can only see them from our current perspectives. They may be doing some of the very things that I ask you to do, which is to just keep being YOU. LIVE in the present but know you have been shaped by a past that you are not being asked to forget about. Just do your best. Take advantage of opportunities that come to you, "if and when" it feels right for you. You will see unimaginably undeserving people receiving grand rewards while a more deserving person receives yet another tragedy instead of something for their good deeds. Life is not fair, and it never will be, but at some point, if you keep doing your best, your time will come too. Some people's personalities are so "out there" that they are just bound to make it, one way or another, whether or not they have the looks, talent, or money. They have "something" that works for them. Maybe by doing something really well or being in the right place at the right time they get recognized and may even become famous. You'll have that time and place too, if you believe - to whatever degree you feel you have earned. Don't give up and don't let anyone defeat you or belittle you. Don't expect anything to be given to you and don't look for the one-in-a-billion lottery win! YOU know your own strengths better than anyone. When it comes down to it, what human-being do you count on to ALWAYS be there for you? If there is someone, what if that suddenly changes? YOU must count on YOU to pull yourself through all of the challenges that you will face. So, it is up to you to make something happen too! If this life, that you are living is the test, do the best you can to pass it. People here and now do not have to see the reward you are earning. Be happy for those who get theirs during your lifespan on this realm where you reside but believe yours is coming and everything that you do and say matters and is part of the struggle that you have been given to deal with in this place. All of your actions are part of who you are (with a few exceptions). Your reward comes too. Believe in yourself and just start living for today. The good has its place and time. Understand that may not be here and now for YOU, even if everyone around you is showered with riches, joy and/or blessings! STOP putting yourself down right now, just because it is the way that you have learned to feel, doesn't mean you can't be good to yourself. Your mind does not have to reinforce every bad thing that you have been told or led to believe that you are! You're NOT those things. Whatever came out of someone else's mouth came from their minds, not yours! Don't harm yourself because someone else has done you wrong. Their words did not make you who you are - your reactions did that. People can be intentionally cruel to the bone. Chemical imbalances are a real thing too. Maybe theirs.... or maybe our own! We can shock ourselves at how we once acted or the way we once thought about things. We do change as we open our minds to accept and see beyond what we once knew. We continue to learn, grow and see more even as our bodies age and begin to fail us in unexpected ways. We learn that we have had times where we have said things we shouldn't have said, and we have behaved in ways that would horrify us now to even think about. We have to accept whatever we did in our past but also realize that we were shaped and or influenced by whatever atmosphere and environment that we were in at the time. We do change. It's just part of the process. Who we "hang with" and what we are going through affects us in different ways as we live and grow. We won't react the same way as we once did, if we expect a different result this time. What about me? I can do anything! Magical and amazing things! A "creative genius," I've been called, but no one really knows me. Is it okay to praise myself and pat my own back? SURE! I'm not going to pay someone else to do it. I know all of my life stories without having to pay someone to sit and listen to the lessons I have learned. I wanted everything! I tried everything too - well, within reason. I WAS a beautiful child with incredible talents! Beginning at five years of age, things changed for me in really bad, unhealthy, dangerous ways. D o I expect praise for surviving the abuse I wrote about in my books? No! Even if my life reads like a comedy-horror, I can't make anyone care about it. I don't know how to "sell" myself, so maybe I'm not for sale after all. Maybe if I keep doing what I am doing, I can make life better for someone else instead? I have failed at most things I have tried, but like you, I am STILL HERE! I have to keep going - I've come this far and maybe my reward is not here yet. But that doesn't mean I will give up. "HERE" is all we know and seemingly ALL we have, but we don't know what we cannot see or comprehend. I will continue to make mistakes, say the wrong things and do things that other people will judge me for, but you know what? That's okay. I may not ace this test of my life, but at least I know what it is and that I must not give up just because I am not happy with how it has gone so far. It isn't over yet, for me nor you, if you are reading this. We have to work on making it get better. It is a conscious effort. Yeah, this line was meant to be something so brilliant that it would change your life completely - but I can't write that line here and now because that would be cheating, right? Giving you inside answers to those divine questions? Nope, it's not my place to do so, even if I think I know something that you don't. Besides, you can find anything online, right? I cannot alter anyone's life in any way, if they chose not to read my words. It is not up to me to give you what you are looking for, but I am rooting for you nonetheless, and I hope you don't stop looking for it! Read between the lines, leave no stone unturned - this is your one chance, so take it! Your test is to find your joy in this life all while dodging obstacles, accidents, and "oopsies!" When I talked about my life stories, I was harshly judged by some people, but maybe I reached someone, somewhere who may have just needed to know that they were not alone in having experienced unmentionable things. Murder, torture, rape, years upon years of abuse, years of blocked or locked up memories, having seen and experienced things no child was meant to see has made me this person that I am now. Those sorts of things can be difficult to talk about and might make certain people feel very uncomfortable. We cannot learn from lessons unshared. Many life-lessons are beyond tough, but it is still part of life. We need to bring issues to light and keep as many out of the dark as we can! I remain flawed and I acknowledge that I always will be, but that in itself does not make me less worthy than anyone. I lied, I cheated, and I stole food to survive, and I went through periods of time without shoes, but I recognize the hardships and struggles in others because of my own. I can sense it without being told - among other things. There are frequencies upon which we each resonate. Well, that is for another long story, come back for that one if I decide to share later. But back to the here and now, I became a teacher, and I saw myself in some of the most disturbed and under-privileged children who needed nothing more than to be acknowledged and cared about. For many, "Home-life" is a terrifying place where you are harmed or feel unwanted. "Feeling" unloved even for a lifetime does not make you incapable of being loved or of giving love. There is no limit to the amount of love you can give or receive, and it is entirely free. Endless and FREE! With harm to NONE! Tolerance, LOVE and trying to be understanding and compassionate. It takes an effort. Hate, on the other hand, has many costs. Seen and unseen costs, that I will not go into. Just think about it. What good has ever come from reducing the worth of any living thing, that may not look or think just like you do? Just because something is different, does it mean it is less than. There would be no need for any of us or for life at all if we all looked and thought the same way - that would make us puppets, by the way, merely for the entertainment of whomever pulls our strings. We all have a unique purpose, and we have to know that all of our attempts to fit in, are not in vain. At some point, somewhere, our rewards come. We get to pull our own strings. I welcome people into my life to talk about anything - anything at all, without judgement and while I may feel your pain, I will not pity you because if you are still here, you should be recognized for your strengths not discarded for all that you have overcome to this point. Again, we are pack-animals, and we need to talk to each other and to hear from each other. BE who you are on the inside, because those who will only see you for how you look on the surface will always be superficial people - go deeper! If you like my words, I thank you. If you don't, then we can talk about it without judgement or cruelty. We're all as innocent as fresh little puppies until we are taught otherwise. When there is no one left for you - YOU will STILL be here. The next move is yours. Blessed be. I hope to talk to you again soon. I can only mean as much to you as you allow me to be. I will hear you and I do care. I can't reach you if I do not know you are there. Exist! michaelhuntermcvay.com #magic   #adhd   #ptsd   #author   #michaelhuntermcvay   #love   #peace   #happy   #lucky   #fashion   #loveislove   #foryourpage   #goodvibes   #Barbie   #ghost   #witch   #Mattel   #wish   #family   #dolldude   #senior   #Vintage   #Preloved   #weekend #MAGICK #february

Copied from Facebook 9/16/2024 ARE YOU OKAY? An easy question to ask anyone. But do we ever really tell that moment's truth when asked? No, I am not okay. I have never been okay, and I likely never will be "ok." It doesn't make me less of a person, nor someone you should avoid. Sadness runs through my veins, but it doesn't mean I am unstable. We ALL have circumstances and issues, but unlike most people, I talk openly about mine to total strangers. What do I have to lose? DO SOMETHING! I only know chaos, struggle and grief from my earliest years as a horribly abused little kiddo. THAT in itself does not make me any less worthy than someone born into royalty or someone whose birth was a happy, pleasantly planned joy. Who gets to decide what makes a life fulfilling? I freely admit, I still grasp at straws, and I do whatever I can to stay above the fray, but I get far more rejection than I get acceptance, much less wins for my efforts. But the point is, I am still trying, and I have not given up yet. Have you? Do you slip into darkness? I witnessed the horrible deaths of many friends and loved ones, which included abuse, suicide, murder, neglect, torture, disease and chronic illnesses. And not to mention, that awful time, when AIDs was something that caused people to turn their backs on friends and family in disgust. Yeah, I was there. Many of us have experienced trauma. Some of us, far more than others, but none of us would wish that on anyone else. We find our own ways of dealing with trauma. My heart reaches out to those who are not always strong enough to continue their struggle alone. I don't want anyone to simply give up. Maybe the next day would have been the day "they" got discovered, won the lottery, or stumbled upon a way to change their lives for the better. Today may not be that day, but that doesn't mean tomorrow can't be. As we get older and older, and we realize that all of the amazing potential we thought we had in our youth never came to be, or did not yield the result we had hoped for. Now we watch the clock counting down as our time passes by - yet we are still working in the most mundane ways to earn a simple living and to make ends meet. How do we break free? What words or actions can we use to initiate peace and self-forgiveness NOW, and more importantly, just what itsy, bitsy, tiny glimpse of unexpected success will make it all seem worth it? This is my attempt to reach YOU while there is time for YOU! What do you want to do? What do you freely admit to yourself that you are good at? PURSUE IT WITH EVERY FIBER OF YOUR BEING! I "think" I sing beautifully, but I rarely share my gift. Once I was an amazing artist, even as a wee one, but I quit years ago. As a child, I wanted to be everything, and I was interested in everything. I cannot say that it is the fault of someone else that I did not make it. That is too easy! It is tougher to handle knowing that "I" did not do enough on my own. WE let opportunities slip through our own hands. Maybe, WE stay behind because we didn't want to leave those we love in harm's way. "We" have a million excuses. Had I been willing ENOUGH, I could have left my mother behind in order to have become successful in my pursuits after high school. Might I have made it? I'll never know. Maybe, my reward was in NOT leaving her, because I got to spend many more years with her, after I moved her in with me. We had a lot of fabulous adventures together that I am ever-grateful for, but she did not, by any means, get to really live the life she deserved. She lived to serve. She was kind, loving, caring, helpful and generous. She was truly beautiful, and she had a very difficult childhood, like many of us. Through most of my life, she was brutally beaten time after time by her husband - NOT my father. I was too, but I never had the potential that she had. Do you? I clearly recall from as early as five or six years old, after that cruel man laid his claim on my dear mother and all that she had, I longed for any stranger to take me away from them, but then, in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to be there for my mother, so I remained in place, patching wounds - mine and hers. I honestly believed in my mind that it would not always be this way for us and that surely "I" would be discovered for all of my talents and that would get us out of there and into safety and perhaps even prosperity. You'd be astounded at my capabilities as a child. My mother could sing beautifully, and she thought I could too, so I ventured off, in my head, as a child, and saw a grand future for us as celebrities. It didn't happen, obviously. No, things only got much worse for us. So much for wishful thinking and fantasy, eh? Mom had a horrible, horrible and totally unfair death. She suffered unimaginably and she and I both knew she was going to die in those last days of her struggle. She left us on my birthday, but none of it was her fault. She survived so much brutality, only to have a stranger end her life before she got to live the life she deserved according to ME. Why am I telling you this? Because YOU still have a chance! You may be struggling now, but don't give up! DO SOMETHING! Take all the rejection and just keep going! Eventually you will get there or just climb one tiny step up at a time. Expect to back step a few times too. As for me, I may have waited too late, but I am still here to push YOU on and make my little daily wishes for your success. I root for you! I couldn't bare it, to think that you'd have a life like mine. I would not wish it on anyone, BUT all is not wasted.....I did become a successful teacher along the way. I did not just play the role; I was excellent, and my kids did not know how lucky they were to have had someone who KNEW where they were coming from and who only wanted the best for them. I knew other teachers who always had some kid that they could not stand. THAT would be the typical kid I would especially reach out to. I felt obligated, but if I could make any difference in someone's life, it would be worth it, whether my efforts were acknowledged or remembered. I don't know how well, if at all, I am remembered by my former students - all long grown by now. But moving on.... Now, as a senior, I dabble in everything and I am willing to try things, within limits. I was taught to hate myself to the core, which explains why I usually use photo filters and seek approval from others more than I should. Every time I see my face in a picture or in the mirror, the vile words of my abuser return, and I hate what I see. But I do not see that in other people! I see YOUR potential and I want you to make it. Change yourself and change the world too. Don't say it is too late or you don't have the ambition! Whatever you may feel you are lacking, it is still out there somewhere whether you find it or not. The thing is, if you do not continue to seek it out - you will not likely find it. Don't be me! I still feel like I have to lie to people and pretend that I am worthy and hopeful, when in reality I must force it with every breath, because I do not believe it myself. But you see, THAT has become my normal and no amount of therapy or words from any professional will change that. Don't think for one second that I haven't spent a lifetime working on it. I have not given up hope but expecting a sudden windfall or to win the lottery is just not realistic. Success isn't just about money. Make your own way! ARE YOU STILL WITH ME? What are your talents? What keeps you from pursuing them? Can you make a career out of something that makes you happy? WEALTH does not make life rewarding on its own. I know! I have never known wealth of any kind, but I have known REWARDING times where life felt ideal, or joyful, even if just for a moment. Wait for your moment and be on a constant search for it. These moments add up and - ALL of those special little moments make this tough life worth living! My best moments may have yet to come, but you can find me absolutely all over the place TRYING to make it happen NOW! DREAMS My dreams, include YOU! Yep, I have spent ALL of my adult years building up an uncanny amount of what I consider treasures, that I hope someday to share with you in a public venue. Most of you know my dream of having a MUSEUM for my many collections. I do not want to die having been a hoarder of vintage antiquities unknown to everyone until after I pass away - only to find all of my treasured possessions in the hands of a stranger who will never know what I put into the acquisitions. I want there to be surprises at every twist and turn! There will be, this I can assure you. Maybe, at this moment, you are crying, or feel sad, lonely and less-than, but look to tomorrow with hope and paint on your smile for everyone. Give your best! My path is set, and I am taking the steps afraid, but un-apologetically and with determination. I have set my goals, now it is up to me to find ways of making it happen. I learned early on not to depend on anyone to make my wishes come true. Now, I give my wishes freely - HERE, every day, for as long as you enjoy them! I HOPE to be successful in my endeavors, but my expectations for YOU are higher than for myself. Blessed be my lovelies and LIVE at PEACE with WHO YOU are! NOT the YOU that you think you should be, but the YOU that you were meant to be! #foryou  #magic   #adhd   #ptsd   #author   #michaelhuntermcvay   #love   #peace   #happy   #lucky   #lgbtqia   #loveislove   #foryourpage   #goodvibes   #barbie   #actionfigures   #creepy   #goth   #witch #funny   #vampire   #wish   #fullmoon   #fighter   #Success #fashion #preventsuicide #PalmSprings #SOS #hiddentruths #lgbt #magick #lucky #vintage #gay #childhoodmemories #dressup #suit #cheap #formal #groovy #silver #suicideprevention #professor #party #vintageBarbie #instagood #instagram #viralvideo #tiktok #scottish #Scotland

Today's story (copied from my facebook) may be deleted soon. "My self-portrait" I know enough about my condition to understand that when I am terribly down ~ I will come out of it at some point. It makes me extremely sensitive and I have become an expert at hiding from everyone. Many people have not survived the kinds of things that I have. Being a survivor doesn't mean I won the battle. It never ends. Often, it becomes too much and I start sinking. One cruel word or an insult (even from a stranger) can be my last straw. I am lucky that I haven't reached the point that I did several times in my childhood. I am doing everything that I know to do in order to cope. I do NOT ask for anyone's f'ing pity and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. What I want is to be understood and accepted with all of my flaws, my rambling, and my words. I don't want to have to apologize for having a mental illness. Having lost so many loved ones in the most horrific ways including murders and unimaginable suffering - I don't want any more losses. Having experienced absolute gore in reality, I should be more guarded, but I still give my heart too freely to those who may not have my best interests at heart. That's life. I get it. Too many people THINK that they know me and that I am amazingly strong. They don't think about how affected I may be by things they say to me. I know I wrote books all about my darkest secrets, and that brought a lot of people deeply into the personal life that I made public. Because of this and other things that I have done, I have almost completely isolated myself entirely since 2016. I very rarely leave my house and I never go out with friends. No one hears my singing voice which is at its best. Any talents I have are kept to myself now. But I still dream. I still have goals. I haven't given up. I am tired of restlessness, and I am getting old, feeling alone, and unimportant. I remind myself that I came from absolutely nothing, and I became a teacher, a published author and a person who has been instrumental in SAVING the lives of other people on many occasions, some by bizarrely being in a certain place at a certain time. Can I continue to save my own life when the fight is constant? Surely, I was meant to be more and to feel more. My natural instinct is to push away, run away, hide my emotions, when inside, I just want to be held and comforted, longing to feel safe and loved. I don't know. I'm not looking for anything but peace and happiness for myself and for everyone else. I hurt people during my life and there are times that I should have done more for others, been a better friend, been a better listener, etc. For those things, I am sorry. I lost a lot of opportunities and now I am running out of time. I turned my back on people - some for the best, some, who knows? But I never set out to purposely hurt anyone by telling the truth. What I am asking for is this > Show and tell people how you feel about them as kindly and lovingly as you can. Do what good you can for anyone who needs you because they may be on their last day and even they don't know it. I am often an emotional wreck and I go into my room and sing my lungs out to the music that soothes my soul. Sometimes, it even shocks me how well I can align my voice to almost any singer - not impersonating them or trying to sound like them, but to freely sing along with them in harmony or by doing my solo karaoke at my laptop. It settles me down, even if it takes all night. I say and do things that other people do not. I see into people without intending to do so. I have a special awareness that guides me. If you don't understand, fine. But I am trying to keep learning from my feelings and vibes, and to stay somewhat sane by accepting what I receive from the universe. It has been a LONG time since I have babbled like this on facebook, but maybe someone will read this and feel more worthy about themselves than I do about myself, knowing someone else is struggling too and willing to talk openly about it. DUH ~ No life is perfect and we all have skeletons in our closets, but can't we share the goal of just being kind to each other despite our differences? WHY? I was feeling lowly for days and I, strangely enough, had a facebook friend insult me and treat me like a child about a simple post I put on another friend's page. Even with all of my inner demons, I taught school and college classes very successfully. I am not a child, but I can easily revert back to that child who was so tortured by a single unexpected trigger out of nowhere. I almost always keep it to myself when it happens. Not this time. I reached a tipping point tonight and writing is my way of pulling myself out of the dark depths of agonizing depression, so here it is. I STILL want to ENJOY life and I want to share my massive collection of "stuff" with other people. It was my dream for years and for now, it remains my dream, but I still do not know what to do, on my own, to make it real. I do not care if this senseless rambling makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps, that means YOU shouldn't be reading it or you need to open your mind a bit more. This is a self-help attempt and simultaneously, a reach-out to others like myself who realize that life revolves around many realms and on a number of levels. Nothing is what it seems on the surface. It's far more complex, like our minds. There are no simple solutions without the help of others. No matter how independent we are, sometimes we need a nod from someone else. Be helpful just by being supportive, not necessarily to me, but to those who need you. Just be there for the people you love and hope that they will be there for you. May you and I be forgiven and learn to cherish what we have been given. Blessed Be!

COMPLEX PTSD & ME: Surviving the Effects of a Poisonous Child Abuser III Delve into a mind that developed and adapted very differently from early childhood. See the world through the eyes and dreams of someone who struggles with severe complex post-traumatic stress disorder after decades of torture and abuse at the hands of a brutal, psychotic maniac. Michael uses a hint humor and a tinge of sarcasm to discuss severe c-PTSD in a way that is easily understandable and relatable. He includes all the technical jargon needed to understand the clinical background of the illness, but he describes the effects in a concise and personal way in his own words. Through it all, he was able to thrive and lead a fulfilling life and you can do the same. This book, third in a series, is filled with tragedy and triumph, nightmares and wonder. Michael writes with passion and inspiration from the heart. An honest exploration into a world unseen by most. Whether or not you have personally experienced abuse, or c-PTSD, this book is for anyone who appreciates the struggles of our human existence. Get in-depth looks at the abuser, the abused, and the circle of life surrounding them all. Disorders associated with PTSD are included and discussed. This book may be challenging at the darkest times, cringe-worthy at the deepest times, and downright funny some of the time, but it is not an easy one to put down once you've started. Kindle eBook ASIN: B0968MFSLV ISBN: 13-979-8512790205 Paperback michaelhuntermcvay.com michaelhuntermcvay.net #queerbookstagram #lgbtbookstagram #queerreads #lgbtreads #queer #queerbooks #gaybooks #bookreview #bookrecommendations #gayromance #bookcommunity #kindle #kindleunlimited #kindlebooks #diversity #bookish #loveislove #lgbtqia #instagay #livrestagram #lgbt #lgbtpride #gaybooks #lgbtbooks #gay #PTSD #palmsprings #meridianms #writer #autho r #dollhouse #miniature #dollhouseminiatures #oneinchscale #dollhousesofinstagram #dollhouse #lovelylittleminiatures #miniaturist #meetthemaker #miniature #onetwelthscale #dollshouse #dollshouseminiatures #scalemodels #dollshousedecor #diorama #roomboxes #fantasyminiatures #handmadeuk #gaylove #gayberlin #gayköln #gaydortmund #gaydude #schwule #gaynrw #gaymen # 🏳️‍🌈 #lovegay #schwulundstolzdrauf #gayinsta #gayinstagram #foryou #foryoupage #witch #instadaily #instaart #preventsuicide #funny #ghost #tiktok #instagram #youtube #shorts

Michael Hunter McVay Copied from FaceBook 11/13/2023 So, there is more..... First, thank you for the kindness shown and shared on my previous post! Like Blanche said, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." So, I am also HERE for them - strangers. You might be surprised how many strangers I speak with online who become TRUE friends of mine over the years. The universe has a way of connecting people and I am so grateful for that. You have to be willing and open to opportunities - divine mysteries, perhaps. People will come and go throughout your life and whether the lesson learned is good or bad, I believe their spot was reserved in your life for some purpose. Not everyone is good for you. It may not seem fair while you are going through hell in life but get through it! I never say, "get over it," because that is cruel. People who tell me that they are "shocked" or baffled that I am still alive after what I went through from five years old until my 55th birthday in 2016, when my world changed, have made me curious. There must be a reason why I survived day after day of brutality at the hands of a monster, for years. What is it? I have felt so helpless at times - absolutely desperate for even one kind word from anyone, anyone at all. It is because of that, and the fact that WE are all in this One-time life together at the same time, that I am compelled to share my stories. Honestly, no, I no longer look like the picture of a healthy, younger version of me that I used to "draw" people in - obviously, you know I am old now, but I am still that same person. I am also the tortured child, the caring decent teacher, the friend, a simple COMPLEX human being. It's not about how long I have been around, but what I have learned and continue to learn along the way that matters. That's why I have to share it. What good is anything kept all to yourself alone? I don't consider what I'm doing as giving advice, but more like providing guidance based on whatever knowledge or experience I have picked up. As a single individual with a fairly busy life, I don't have time to develop deep relationships with every living being whom I come into contact with, but I still TRY to be there for whomever I can if I am needed. My readers can tell you that I am there for them. Why? It may not be my job to help people, and I have never had any money to speak of, so I cannot help anyone out financially. What I can do is share what the universe gives to me freely whenever possible. As a retired teacher, I want to see people succeed. I want to succeed too, but maybe my role is to be there for others as much as I am for myself. I wasn't always there for myself. At times, I lived NUMB. Just going about day by day lost in routine. I'm still changing and learning. I never stop searching for answers and they often come to me from who knows where. Sometimes, I just know things. That doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes. But now, unlike during my youth, I DO take deep breaths, and I TRY to think before I speak. I have to consider how my words will affect the person I am speaking to. When I hurt others - I hurt ME! I'm not looking to tell them things they want to hear. It is first to LISTEN to them. THEY matter. If I matter, they matter. I longed for that. I wanted to matter. But I felt like I didn't. It was the time and place - nothing that I blame any person for. It's just what it was. I know there were people who dearly loved me as much as I loved them. It doesn't HURT anyone to give time or support when they are able. I truly believe that we ARE connected, but I also know you cannot make anyone love you. A simple DNA or ancestry search sets us in an infinitesimal number of directions that intersect at some point. We are connected in more ways than we are aware of. I told you last time that I read and re-read encyclopedias from front to back as a very young boy - while spending my days in cemeteries, where I basically lived most of the time. I read books on theology too, because I was interested in what others believed in. Religion was fascinating to me. My dear maternal grandparents took me to Baptist church, while my paternal grands took me to Methodist church. My abuser made me go to Catholic church. That in itself did not make me well-rounded in religions, but it made me curious to find out more. I read adult books that should have been of no interests to me. Other kids my age were reading Disney stories and fairy tales. I was weird and I still am - proud to admit! I don't care! Even with all of that in mind, I have my own unique spiritual belief system. I don't share it with many, because I do not want to influence their choices. It is not my place to tell them what to believe in. I translate in my own way. I do not want to be tested on the subject of religion. I just want it known that I am fully aware of what is out there. If I must say, I would suggest that I align more with the Catholic faith than others that I have studied, but I feel no one specific religion is the "best" for me. I WILL talk one-on-one with individuals about my personal beliefs and in my writing, I make things public. My posts are public. My books are there for all to see. I used to say, "I'm not special in any way." I believed that. I'm not saying I have ascended and have become enlightened. That's not true, but I am on a journey. I hope to continue opening my eyes and my arms. Among the many things I have discovered, I learned that I am happiest when I am helping someone else. THAT gives me value. I have only my mind to work with. I put it to use, as it is. I think it is perfectly fine to psycho-analyze myself. Why not? It's those questions and the internal mental pondering that bring us answers and more things to speculate about. Why am I unable to stick to one subject in my writing? Because I can't manage to do that in my real life. I am interested in everything. I dabble in everything - expert of none, granted. I obsess over things, that's me. I get stuck in phases. Some phases come and go, and some remain perpetually. Some thoughts are outgrown, and others change with time. But what goes around, comes around....and eventually I get back into old ways, old interests, old ideas, but I face them with whatever new knowledge I have picked up (or forgotten) since then. I am hard to follow - I know that. I have ADHD and certainly complex Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (c-PTSD) as well, along with vestibular disorders and a whole slew of issues diagnosed and undiscovered yet! (smile). One might assume from that, that I am broken. I'm not! YOU'RE NOT either. We are what we are! While you are here, YOU do have value if you are willing to admit it to yourself. Nothing should ever be so bad, that you just cannot go on. I say that KNOWING that I have tried to end my life on more than one occasion, but even in doing so, I still had a spark of desire to exist. There was a longing for some hint of significance. As a child I hoped a giant leap from a tall tree would kill me because I did not want to be beaten again when I got home. I jumped! While falling, I knew I would survive. Indeed, it knocked the breath out of me, and it sprained some bones, but nothing broke (that time). So, I went home, and yes, I got a beating as I knew I would. I tried again sometime later. Do I hate the man who did the bad things to me? I used to think so. I'm not sure what I feel, but I know some of what I feel is pity for him. At times, I can forgive him. I can forgive him for all of the things that he did to me. What I really struggle with is letting go of what he did to my mother. I won't stop asking myself how I will get past that. If I stop looking for answers, I certainly won't find them. It makes me think - and that's a good thing, right? That's why I try to help strangers online. I NEED them and if they NEED me, I have purpose. I don't have to ask, "Why am I here?" if I have that purpose! That's why I am writing this. I want YOU to feel free to express yourself AS your best self! I don't know how easily this may work for you, but it will be a life-long challenge for me. I know what I have to work with, and it functions.....maybe more slowly than others, but it works. I'm sharing this journey with you because I know you are on a journey of your own. I don't HATE the things that are wrong with me. Everyone has issues, flaws, things they hide. I don't like how I'm aging. No sir, not at all! I know that the endless abuse I suffered shows on my face. That never goes away. It makes me uber-vigilant and constantly on edge. At any given second, I am singing in my head, adding up bills, worrying and typing my new novel all at the same time. I HEAR that is very unusual, but it is my normal. Your normal is unique to you too. Diversity IS the spice of life and I'm a spicy kind of guy! In all seriousness, I believe our differences are part of what connects us. Who wants to be just like everyone else? My life did not turn out to be what I imagined it would be as a child. I thought I would become a world-class singer/entertainer, but instead, I became a teacher. I passed up opportunities to do really amazing things due to "sudden shyness" or low-self-esteem. The lifetime of that man's voice screaming at me, "You will never be anything! You are worthless! You are disgusting and NO ONE WILL EVER love you!" never really go away. Those constantly repeated phrases echo for life and they interfered with my goals and my achievements. I let them. I don't want to take the blame for that, and I can make a million excuses for my own failures, but I simply wasn't strong enough to overcome what I had internalized and believed to the core. I work hard to deal with the repercussions. That is why I ask YOU to support others who need you. No, you won't have all of the answers, and you may not can change the course of things, but YOU CAN LISTEN. Just be there! If you are still with me, I am getting to a point, somewhere along with all of this rambling I really am - again, it's how my mind works. I have a million things I want to tell you. I'm in my sixties, still learning, still seeking and trying to make a difference by doing GOOD. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm not pretending to be Mother Theresa. I catch myself now when bad thoughts enter my head. I re-evaluate things and remember that my viewpoint is entirely based on my solitary mind alone and I am no better than anyone, but I choose now to say that I am not less than anyone either. We ALL have a purpose in spite of our bodies, our minds, our thoughts and our current situation. If you look for a way out, you WILL find it. Dying is easy. It is staying alive that is difficult! Staying alive means dodging obstacles, growing, changing, avoiding, observing things all along the way. Danger is everywhere! We are all one breath away from death. Death is easy, if that is what a person wants, but damn! Damn! The strength it takes to keep going, huh? Don't give up until that time comes for you. I don't think it is up to us to seek it for ourselves, under most circumstances. I don't want to exist in a vegetative state, but we don't really know what realm a person in that situation is on. Too much? Whenever you look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Who am I?" Is the answer really important at all? Who are you to those who love and need you? Are you there for them? Do you love unconditionally? Are you doing what you want to do with your life? What if you feel that there is no one there for you? Maybe your paths just haven't crossed yet. What is holding YOU back? Like I said, I share my secrets. I have answers for the "who am I" question, but it will be unique for each of us. Taking chances? I am no longer afraid to go there, because I am human. I am flawed and I am aware. No matter what flub I make in front of others, life will go on. I let so much hold me back. Now, with nothing to hide, I have less to fear, right? I think MY way and I do things MY way, but I don't ask for anyone else to be like me! Never! Always be you! The BEST you! The best ME is the one who is willing to stretch, to expand, to seek things beyond my simple mind. I did not want to say, "thinking out of the box," but it applies. TRY things! Try everything you can while you can. Of course, you cannot do everything but do what you are able and willing to do. If you have wanted something - try to get it! Don't deny yourself. This is the ONE life that you will get. If you do get other lives, you probably won't remember this one! LOL! I think it is OKAY to have regrets. "No regrets" doesn't work for me because that indicates that we do not hold ourselves responsible for our own wrong doings. I openly regret things I have done and said, but I communicate better. I try. I SEE while my eyes work. I see beauty in the most bizarre things. Often, I find the most beauty in things that are actually hideous! There is beauty! It is within us! Set it free! Share it with strangers. Share it with those you love. That thing about no one is promised tomorrow is true. When I "go," it is not my wish to have a funeral. My final plans were made long ago. All that matters is what I do NOW. While I live and breathe. If you want to make an impact - make it! Don't schedule it for a time that never comes. GO SEE things! Listen to people. Be a PART of this world that you were born into FOR a REASON! You have a purpose! No one ever hated me more than I hated myself. Oh, God, for so long! I thought I deserved my misery and every bad thing that ever happened to me. I can't do that anymore. I am special. I am no longer at the mercy of my abuser. I have my own free will - I just need to use it! I am unique and I accept myself. I don't know what is ahead for me, but I'm living for the moment now. My "career days" are over and I am proud of many things I have done along the way. I'm understanding my reasons for "f'ing up" all along the way too though. I will TRY to let things be. I will change things about myself as I learn, but only you can change you. We are on separate itineraries, but I will accept your help. My mind will always be owned entirely by me alone and under the control of no one else. No one owns you either. You may belong to someone, and they may belong to you too, but you have always been free. There is room in our brains for everything and everyone if we are willing to take it in. I am willing. I want to keep talking with you like this. "Get" me by reading my thoughts, which are right here for you, and I will be happy to hear your thoughts too. No judgement! I've found myself guilty under my own judgement for a lifetime. I don't invite anyone else to damage me more than I have already done to myself. There is so much more to discover, and we need to keep lifting each other up. Point of fact: I KNOW there are people who read every word I write, but never comment. Love me or hate me, I will not bite you. What can I do for you? Can you dig it? #abusesurvivor  #lgbtqia   #ADHD   #ptsd   #author   #michaelhuntermcvay   #barbie   #childhoodmemories   #vintage   #meridianms   #palmsprings   #loveislove   #witch   #diversity   #gayman   #dolls #witchyvibes #victorian #goth #foryou #viral #love #tiktok #instagood #shorts

Michael Hunter McVay    Shared from Facebook Account: Sometimes I am terrified, and life seems unbearable. As a youngster, I befriended people in the trashy trailer-park where we lived after this man married my mom and took us out of my grandparent's safe, comfortable home. I KNEW that I needed to be very kind and lovable to strangers because they might give me a cookie or something to eat. The people in the trailer park in Meridian, Mississippi were poor too and times for them were bad. I did what I had to do. I feel guilty that as a very young child, I did not think about my mother going without food, until I was a little older and able to see that she was being starved to death. My mom was too afraid to leave the trailer. She didn't do the things I did to get food. I became an expert at it, but not on purpose nor by choice. Should I have been locked away? Maybe so, but I didn't look at it that way. I didn't think about it being wrong at all. My mom slept a lot then. I know why now. She was escaping reality and didn't think about her grumbling tummy or anything else as long as she could sleep. She was beautiful and that man took advantage of her. He kept her locked away from everyone. When she reached out to her parents after being beaten, yet-again, that man moved us far away from our loved ones. I was a dirty little boy and at times I did not own a pair of shoes. From afar, my grandparents tried to help us, but only that man could check the mailbox and the cash they sent went into his pockets for beer and cigarettes. When this time of year comes around, my "seasonal" depression returns. I no longer fear it, because I KNOW what it is, and I expect it. I don't embrace it, but I am still changing and learning how to deal with it. I never said that I was perfect in any way, but I learned how to do absolutely everything by myself and in my own way. I spent countless hours in cemeteries, reading volumes of the encyclopedias that my grandparents gave us. I explored the world through those pages. On my outdoor adventures, I took one volume of the encyclopedia with me at a time, as well as a pillow, my brown and yellow stuffed bear from the last time my mom and I went to the fair, before that man came along. I would read as long as there was light. Many nights, I remained in the cemetery to sleep on any randomly chosen slab. I felt so safe in the cemetery. No one there would harm me. I imagined from the information on tombstones, what the people may have been like, and I talked with them with my undiagnosed ADHD overly active, imaginative mind. "They" became my friends because I didn't have any living ones. I was fascinated by the oldest, exquisitely ornate graves, but I respected and acknowledged even the simplest, most basic graves. Those long-deceased people were important to me because I did not feel important to anyone alive. Do not read this and think that I am asking you for anything. I do not want pity nor sympathy. I simply want to be understood and accepted for the 'me' that I became. Back then, as now, my future held no promise, and I was unable to see an end to the misery of my young existence. I stayed away from home so that I did not have to face that man. I did not want to see or hear him nor the things he would do to my mother. As bad as it sounds, I found fun things to do and to keep me occupied. I would go home while that man was at work. I would check on my mother, who always pretended that everything was great, while trying to hide her newest bruises from me. I knew. I had been on the receiving end of that man's verbal and physical abuse since five years of age. I would leave home as often as I could even during school nights. I hated sleeping at home, but I had to whenever it was too cold or raining out. But still, I loved the sounds of thunder and lightning and the look of snow-covered surfaces. I was into bugs and the little creatures that roamed the ground around me. I was always covered from head to toe in bug-bites and poison ivy blisters, but my only sense of home was outside. Glorious OUTSIDE! Where I was free! Where I was unnoticed by anyone. I hid behind tombstones, buildings, cars or whatever obstacles I could blend into when I thought someone was near. It was a game I played. I even derived pleasure from becoming so adept at it. I was a blending-in machine. Who needs a cloak of invisibility! After becoming a highly accomplished food thief in convenience stores, I also learned that I could "acquire" comic books. Eventually, it progressed to "Tiger Beat" and "Sixteen" magazines, which were designed for young girls. Yep, I was gay! LOL! Why not, on top of everything else that was considered wrong! I saw the gorgeous celebrities in the magazines, even Rona Barrett's tabloids and I envisioned my life with other people - like them. At times, I did not try to hide, and I hope and prayed that someone - anyone might snatch me up and take me away. They never did, which luckily, perhaps, is why I am still here. I saw myself living in California with a beautiful, successful, loving family. I thought I would become a world-famous singer, because it was what I did best. I belted out my best vocals from tombstones as loudly as I wished. But I gave my all to anything I tried, yes, I did. What did I ever have to lose? Some might say I became fearless before I was ten. The only thing I feared was that man and being at home. School was dreadful in the early years because I was called names, by the adults. I was spanked by teachers because I was used as an example. They didn't know what ADHD was back then in small-town Mississippi. I was fidgety and I knew the answers to everything, thanks to having repeatedly read and re-read those encyclopedias. I was LIVING them. The words and the images gave me LIFE! LOL! I was unclean much of the time and I wore the same clothes day after day. I was the boy that people wanted to avoid. BUT....once you become a victim, you get used to people abusing you. My second-grade teacher spanked me almost every day, and I could see the guilt in her eyes afterwards, but for some reason, she couldn't help herself and I knew it. I told her that she had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. And she did. They were like the character "Angelique's" eyes on the gothic soap, Dark Shadows. I told her that I knew she did not want to "have to" spank me. But as a response, she simply looked lost. I didn't do my homework, because that required supplies that I did not have. Workbooks had to be purchased back then, which would require begging, so I didn't have them. A pencil, a notebook....yeah, right! Those were luxuries too that I did not think of "finding" when I was choosing what to eat while out and about "gathering" my dailies in stores. The thing about being dirty and barefooted was that people easily pretended not to see me, because it doesn't fit in with their routine. I took advantage of them looking away to snatch and grab. I always felt like I knew more than "some" of my teachers. I did not know where this incredible universal knowledge came from. The encyclopedias? Does it matter? I read everything. I immersed myself in written words. I didn't need to hear spoken words! They did not interest me, and I always automatically knew how people felt about me, as if I could see deep into their souls. Was it my imagination? Does it matter? Growing up was tough and every year was worse than the one before, but I went with the flow. My own flow. I made all of my choices and chose all of my own options whenever I was outside. Being at home was different though. It was terrifying. I did not want to be there at all. Of course, I took baths and showers but because I spent most of my time outdoors playing with bugs and chatting with dead people, I stayed scruffy looking. I didn't have a comb, and my hair was really long. Sometimes strangers thought I was a little girl. That never bothered me. My hair might have been matted, but it was clean - most of the time. Before that man chopped it off, I treasured my long hair. I could pull the ends in front of my face and look at the locks shining in the sun. Should I be ashamed for who I am? That is entirely up to you to decide, but don't tell me your answer. I don't want to know, and I don't want to be judged by anyone about anything that I did or said before I became an adult. I don't judge you. I feel shame when I point out something that seems off to me or if I gasp when I see something I don't understand. Now, and for many years, I have been a magnet for damaged people, different people, odd, strange people, avant-garde peeps, outliers. Nonetheless, I tried to fit in, in the real world, as best a loner could. I made a lot of mistakes and bad choices in my youth, as my frontal lobe was not fully developed. I only knew what I knew and rarely had anyone to tell me otherwise until I was able to move back in with my grandparents. That time passed by so quickly and I was actually a happier person within their comforts. I didn't always stay in place though. I worried about my mother. What am I doing? I had been sharing daily videos of my collections until all but a few people lost interests and stopped watching them. I quit, like a person with ADHD tends to do. My c-PTSD peeks in daily and we shake hands and then try to go our separate ways. So now, I am back to writing. Sometimes, I want nothing more than to be alone and other times I feel desperate for attention. As a l'il kiddo, I never "hooked" for food or money, but it never came to that. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. I didn't need to. My mind was always currently occupied. I could sew, create and build things and READ! Do you want to know more, or did you pretend I am not here? Either way, I remain, and I will likely keep writing. My life is FASCINATING as Hell, which I don't believe in, and even I know that it is astounding! How could I not? michaelhuntermcvay.com #abusesurvivor  #lgbtqia   #ADHD   #ptsd   #author   #michaelhuntermcvay   #barbie   #childhoodmemories   #vintage   #meridianms   #palmsprings   #loveislove   #witch   #diversity   #gayman   #gothic   #dolls #tiktok #instagram #instagood #viral #shorts #youtube #foryou #magic #magick #love #viral #goodvibes #gay #lucky #funny #comedy #actionfigures #creepy #goth #witch #funny #vampire #preventsuicide #wish