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MY SELF-PORTRAIT

Today's story (copied from my facebook) may be deleted soon.

"My self-portrait" I know enough about my condition to understand that when I am terribly down ~ I will come out of it at some point. It makes me extremely sensitive and I have become an expert at hiding from everyone. Many people have not survived the kinds of things that I have. Being a survivor doesn't mean I won the battle. It never ends. Often, it becomes too much and I start sinking. One cruel word or an insult (even from a stranger) can be my last straw. I am lucky that I haven't reached the point that I did several times in my childhood. I am doing everything that I know to do in order to cope. I do NOT ask for anyone's f'ing pity and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. What I want is to be understood and accepted with all of my flaws, my rambling, and my words. I don't want to have to apologize for having a mental illness. Having lost so many loved ones in the most horrific ways including murders and unimaginable suffering - I don't want any more losses. Having experienced absolute gore in reality, I should be more guarded, but I still give my heart too freely to those who may not have my best interests at heart. That's life. I get it. Too many people THINK that they know me and that I am amazingly strong. They don't think about how affected I may be by things they say to me. I know I wrote books all about my darkest secrets, and that brought a lot of people deeply into the personal life that I made public. Because of this and other things that I have done, I have almost completely isolated myself entirely since 2016. I very rarely leave my house and I never go out with friends. No one hears my singing voice which is at its best. Any talents I have are kept to myself now. But I still dream. I still have goals. I haven't given up. I am tired of restlessness, and I am getting old, feeling alone, and unimportant. I remind myself that I came from absolutely nothing, and I became a teacher, a published author and a person who has been instrumental in SAVING the lives of other people on many occasions, some by bizarrely being in a certain place at a certain time. Can I continue to save my own life when the fight is constant? Surely, I was meant to be more and to feel more. My natural instinct is to push away, run away, hide my emotions, when inside, I just want to be held and comforted, longing to feel safe and loved. I don't know. I'm not looking for anything but peace and happiness for myself and for everyone else. I hurt people during my life and there are times that I should have done more for others, been a better friend, been a better listener, etc. For those things, I am sorry. I lost a lot of opportunities and now I am running out of time. I turned my back on people - some for the best, some, who knows? But I never set out to purposely hurt anyone by telling the truth. What I am asking for is this > Show and tell people how you feel about them as kindly and lovingly as you can. Do what good you can for anyone who needs you because they may be on their last day and even they don't know it. I am often an emotional wreck and I go into my room and sing my lungs out to the music that soothes my soul. Sometimes, it even shocks me how well I can align my voice to almost any singer - not impersonating them or trying to sound like them, but to freely sing along with them in harmony or by doing my solo karaoke at my laptop. It settles me down, even if it takes all night. I say and do things that other people do not. I see into people without intending to do so. I have a special awareness that guides me. If you don't understand, fine. But I am trying to keep learning from my feelings and vibes, and to stay somewhat sane by accepting what I receive from the universe. It has been a LONG time since I have babbled like this on facebook, but maybe someone will read this and feel more worthy about themselves than I do about myself, knowing someone else is struggling too and willing to talk openly about it. DUH ~ No life is perfect and we all have skeletons in our closets, but can't we share the goal of just being kind to each other despite our differences? WHY? I was feeling lowly for days and I, strangely enough, had a facebook friend insult me and treat me like a child about a simple post I put on another friend's page. Even with all of my inner demons, I taught school and college classes very successfully. I am not a child, but I can easily revert back to that child who was so tortured by a single unexpected trigger out of nowhere. I almost always keep it to myself when it happens. Not this time. I reached a tipping point tonight and writing is my way of pulling myself out of the dark depths of agonizing depression, so here it is. I STILL want to ENJOY life and I want to share my massive collection of "stuff" with other people. It was my dream for years and for now, it remains my dream, but I still do not know what to do, on my own, to make it real. I do not care if this senseless rambling makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps, that means YOU shouldn't be reading it or you need to open your mind a bit more. This is a self-help attempt and simultaneously, a reach-out to others like myself who realize that life revolves around many realms and on a number of levels. Nothing is what it seems on the surface. It's far more complex, like our minds. There are no simple solutions without the help of others. No matter how independent we are, sometimes we need a nod from someone else. Be helpful just by being supportive, not necessarily to me, but to those who need you. Just be there for the people you love and hope that they will be there for you. May you and I be forgiven and learn to cherish what we have been given. Blessed Be!

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