"I'm Working On Things!"
Copied from FaceBook 11/13/2023
So there is more.....
First, thank you for the kindness shown and shared on my previous post! Like Blanche said, "I've always depended on the kindness of strangers." So, I am also HERE for them - strangers. You might be surprised how many strangers I speak with online who become TRUE friends of mine over the years. The universe has a way of connecting people and I am so grateful for that. You have to be willing and open to opportunities - divine mysteries, perhaps. People will come and go throughout your life and whether the lesson learned is good or bad, I believe their spot was reserved in your life for some purpose. Not everyone is good for you. It may not seem fair while you are going through hell in life, but get through it! I never say "get over it," because that is cruel.
People who tell me that they are "shocked" or baffled that I am still alive after what I went through from five years old until my 55th birthday in 2016, when my world changed, have made me curious. There must be a reason why I survived day after day of brutality at the hands of a monster, for years. What is it? I have felt so helpless at times - absolutely desperate for even one kind word from anyone, anyone at all. It is because of that, and the fact that WE are all in this ONE-time life together at the same time, that I am compelled to share my stories. Honestly, no, I no longer look like the picture of a healthy, younger version of me that I used to "draw" people in - obviously, you know I am old now, but I am still that same person. I am also the tortured child, the caring decent teacher, the friend, a simple COMPLEX human being.
It's not about how long I have been around, but what I have learned and continue to learn along the way that matters. That's why I have to share it. What good is anything kept all to yourself alone? I don't consider what I'm doing as giving advice, but more like providing guidance based on whatever knowledge or experience I have picked up. As a single individual with a fairly busy life, I don't have time to develop deep relationships with every living being whom I come into contact with, but I still TRY to be there for whomever I can if I am needed. My readers can tell you that I am there for them. Why?
It may not be my job to help people and I have never had any money to speak of, so I cannot help anyone out financially. What I can do is share what the universe gives to me freely whenever possible. As a retired teacher, I want to see people succeed. I want to succeed too, but maybe my role is to be there for others as much as I am for myself. I wasn't always there for myself. At times, I lived NUMB. Just going about day by day lost in routine. I'm still changing and learning. I never stop searching for answers and they often come to me from who knows where. Sometimes, I just know things. That doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes. But now, unlike during my youth, I DO take deep breaths and I TRY to think before I speak. I have to consider how my words will affect the person I am speaking to. When I hurt others - I hurt ME!
I'm not looking to tell them things they want to hear. It is first to LISTEN to them. THEY matter. If I matter, they matter. I longed for that. I wanted to matter. But I felt like I didn't. It was the time and place - nothing that I blame any person for. It's just what it was. I know there were people who dearly loved me as much as I loved them. It doesn't HURT anyone to give time or support when they are able. I truly believe that we ARE connected, but I also know you cannot make anyone love you. A simple DNA or ancestry search sets us in an infinitesimal number of directions that intersect at some point. We are connected in more ways than we are aware of.
I told you last time that I read and re-read encyclopedias from front to back as a very young boy - while spending my days in cemeteries, where I basically lived most of the time. I read books on theology too, because I was interested in what others believed in. Religion was fascinating to me. My dear maternal grandparents took me to Baptist church, while my paternal grands took me to Methodist church. My abuser made me go to Catholic church. That in itself did not make me well-rounded in religions, but it made me curious to find out more. I read adult books that should have been of no interests to me. Other kids my age were reading Disney stories and fairy-tales. I was weird and I still am - proud to admit! I don't care! Even with all of that in mind, I have my own unique spiritual belief system. I don't share it with many, because I do not want to influence their choices. It is not my place to tell them what to believe in. I translate in my own way. I do not want to be tested on the subject of religion. I just want it known that I am fully aware of what is out there. If I must say, I would suggest that I align more with the Catholic faith than others that I have studied, but I feel no one specific religion is the "best" for me.
I WILL talk one-on-one with individuals about my personal beliefs and in my writing, I make things public. My posts are public. My books are there for all to see. I used to say, "I'm not special in any way." I believed that. I'm not saying I have ascended and have become enlightened. That's not true, but I am on a journey. I hope to continue opening my eyes and my arms. Among the many things I have discovered, I learned that I am happiest when I am helping someone else. THAT gives me value. I have only my mind to work with. I put it to use, as it is. I think it is perfectly fine to psycho-analyze myself. Why not? It's those questions and the internal mental pondering that bring us answers and more things to speculate about.
Why am I unable to stick to one subject in my writing? Because I can't manage to do that in my real life. I am interested in everything. I dabble in everything - expert of none, granted. I obsess over things, that's me. I get stuck in phases. Some phases come and go and some remain perpetually. Some thoughts are outgrown and others change with time. But, what goes around, comes around....and eventually I get back into old ways, old interests, old ideas, but I face them with whatever new knowledge I have picked up (or forgotten) since then. I am hard to follow - I know that. I have ADHD and certainly complex Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder (c-PTSD) as well, along with vestibular disorders and a whole slew of issues diagnosed and undiscovered yet! (smile).
One might assume from that, that I am broken. I'm not! YOU'RE NOT either. We are what we are! While you are here, YOU do have value if you are willing to admit it to yourself. Nothing should ever be so bad, that you just cannot go on. I say that KNOWING that I have tried to end my life on more than one occasion, but even in doing so, I still had a spark of desire to exist. There was a longing for some hint of significance. As a child I hoped a giant leap from a tall tree would kill me because I did not want to be beaten again when I got home. I jumped! While falling, I knew I would survive. Indeed, it knocked the breath out of me and it sprained some bones, but nothing broke (that time). So, I went home, and yes, I got a beating as I knew I would. I tried again sometime later.
Do I hate the man who did the bad things to me? I used to think so. I'm not sure what I feel, but I know some of what I feel is pity for him. At times, I can forgive him. I can forgive him for all of the things that he did to me. What I really struggle with is letting go of what he did to my mother. I won't stop asking myself how I will get past that. If I stop looking for answers, I certainly won't find them. It makes me think - and that's a good thing, right? That's why I try to help strangers online. I NEED them and if they NEED me, I have purpose. I don't have to ask, "Why am I here?," if I have that purpose! That's why I am writing this. I want YOU to feel free to express yourself AS your best self! I don't know how easily this may work for you, but it will be a life-long challenge for me. I know what I have to work with, and it functions.....maybe more slowly than others, but it works. I'm sharing this journey with you because I know you are on a journey of your own.
I don't HATE the things that are wrong with me. Everyone has issues, flaws, things they hide. I don't like how I'm aging. No sir, not at all! I know that the endless abuse I suffered shows on my face. That never goes away. It makes me uber-vigilent and constantly on edge. At any given second, I am singing in my head, adding up bills, worrying and typing my new novel all at the same time. I HEAR that is very unusual, but it is my normal. Your normal is unique to you too. Diversity IS the spice of life and I'm a spicy kind of guy! In all seriousness, I believe our differences are part of what connects us. Who wants to be just like everyone else?
My life did not turn out to be what I imagined it would be as a child. I thought I would become a world-class singer/entertainer, but instead, I became a teacher. I passed up opportunities to do really amazing things due to "sudden shyness" or low-self-esteem. The lifetime of that man's voice screaming at me, "You will never be anything!, You are worthless! You are disgusting and NO ONE WILL EVER love you!," never really go away. Those constantly repeated phrases echo for life and they interfered with my goals and my achievements. I let them. I don't want to take the blame for that and I can make a million excuses for my own failures, but I simply wasn't strong enough to overcome what I had internalized and believed to the core. I work hard to deal with the repercussions. That is why I ask YOU to support others who need you. No, you won't have all of the answers and you may not can change the course of things, but YOU CAN LISTEN. Just be there!
If you are still with me, I am getting to a point, somewhere along with all of this rambling I really am - again, it's how my mind works. I have a million things I want to tell you. I'm in my sixties, still learning, still seeking and trying to make a difference by doing GOOD. It doesn't come naturally to me. I'm not pretending to be Mother Theresa. I catch myself now when bad thoughts enter my head. I re-evaluate things and remember that my viewpoint is entirely based on my solitary mind alone and I am no better than anyone, but I choose now to say that I am not less than anyone either. We ALL have a purpose in spite of our bodies, our minds, our thoughts and our current situation. If you look for a way out, you WILL find it. Dying is easy. It is staying alive that is difficult! Staying alive means dodging obstacles, growing, changing, avoiding, observing things all along the way. Danger is everywhere! We are all one breath away from death. Death is easy, if that is what a person wants, but damn! Damn! The strength it takes to keep going, huh? Don't give up until that time comes for you. I don't think it is up to us to seek it for ourselves, under most circumstances. I don't want to exist in a vegetative state, but we don't really know what realm a person in that situation is on. Too much?
Whenever you look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Who am I?" Is the answer really important at all? Who are you to those who love and need you? Are you there for them? Do you love unconditionally? Are you doing what you want to do with your life? What if you feel that there is no one there for you? Maybe your paths just haven't crossed yet. What is holding YOU back? Like I said, I share my secrets. I have answers for the "who am I" question, but it will be unique for each of us. Taking chances? I am no longer afraid to go there, because I am human. I am flawed and I am aware. No matter what flub I make in front of others, life will go on. I let so much hold me back. Now, with nothing to hide, I have less to fear, right? I think MY way and I do things MY way but I don't ask for anyone else to be like me! Never! Always be you! The BEST you! The best ME is the one who is willing to stretch, to expand, to seek things beyond my simple mind. I did not want to say, "thinking out of the box," but it applies. TRY things! Try everything you can while you can. Of course you cannot do everything, but do what you are able and willing to do. If you have wanted something - try to get it! Don't deny yourself. This is the ONE life that you will get. If you do get other lives, you probably won't remember this one! LOL!
I think it is OKAY to have regrets. "No regrets" doesn't work for me because that indicates that we do not hold ourselves responsible for our own wrong doings. I openly regret things I have done and said, but I communicate better. I try. I SEE while my eyes work. I see beauty in the most bizarre things. Often I find the most beauty in things that are actually hideous! There is beauty! It is within us! Set it free! Share it with strangers. Share it with those you love. That thing about no one is promised tomorrow is true. When I "go," it is not my wish to have a funeral. My final plans were made long ago. All that matters is what I do NOW. While I live and breathe. If you want to make an impact - make it! Don't schedule it for a time that never comes. GO SEE things! Listen to people. Be a PART of this world that you were born into FOR a REASON! You have a purpose!
No one ever hated me more than I hated myself. Oh, God, for so long! I thought I deserved my misery and every bad thing that ever happened to me. I can't do that anymore. I am special. I am no longer at the mercy of my abuser. I have my own free will - I just need to use it! I am unique and I accept myself. I don't know what is ahead for me, but I'm living for the moment now. My "career days" are over and I am proud of many things I have done along the way. I'm understanding my reasons for "f'ing up" all along the way too though. I will TRY to let things be. I will change things about myself as I learn, but only you can change you. We are on separate itineraries, but I will accept your help. My mind will always be owned entirely by me alone and under the control of no one else. No one owns you either. You may belong to someone and they may belong to you too, but you have always been free. There is room in our brains for everything and everyone if we are willing to take it in. I am willing.
I want to keep talking with you like this. "Get" me by reading my thoughts, which are right here for you and I will be happy to hear your thoughts too. No judgement! I've found myself guilty under my own judgement for a lifetime. I don't invite anyone else to damage me more than I have already done to myself. There is so much more to discover and we need to keep lifting each other up.
Point of fact: I KNOW there are people who read every word I write, but never comment. Love me or hate me, I will not bite you. What can I do for you? Can you dig it?