"I'm still here!"
If you're not rich or famous, are you meaningless? Massive congratulations to those people who hold up a "I'm six weeks sober" sign in their posts, right? What about all of those who've been and stayed sober since the day they were born, in spite of surviving abuse, torture, rape and unending nightmares from Hell, all along the way, which they keep shamefully secured within their own grey-matter, while never giving up on the human beings that they have loved and for whom they have always been there for? How about those who have saved the lives of the kind of people who soon forget or who just did not care that someone was there for them when they were in need, because it was simply their job? What selfless thing have you done to reach into the soul of another living being to comfort them and guide them, without thinking, "What's in it for me?"
You cannot make ANYONE love you nor even see who you really are inside. Don't try to change to get love from other people. Just be YOU. You are enough whether or not anyone else ever bothers to notice your magnificence. As long as YOU know that you are filled with magical beauty and precious gifts that go far beyond what anyone else would ever suspect, let it be enough. Don't count the days until someone finally tells you something nice. Be kind, do good, share, encourage, allow others to have their own kind of fun and try to overlook the things they do or say that you don't agree with.
Everyone's mind develops differently based on life experiences, genetics, beliefs, and so on. You don't have to keep your mouth shut and let people walk on your rights but just know they may feel as passionately about their way of thinking as you do about your own. No two people are really ever on each other's "brainwave." Perhaps you long for attention and your talents alone should have garnered some kind of fame, but no one knows you have it, or if they do, they say nothing. Humans are pack-animals too. We want to be noticed.
From time to time, human-beings need attention and at other times, we may even crave it. People may not see your gifts because they don't want to or because you have no significance to them - so they don't care. However, there are plenty of people who will see or sense your brilliance, but unless they tell you they see it, you'll never know it anyway. So, express yourself in the ways that you feel comfortable doing! Do what you need to do to get recognized as "worthy" by those who are willing to become part of your life. Those who will never give you the chance are the ones who will never matter anyway. Let the rest of the world praise them for being rich, famous, gorgeous, or whatever blessings they may have been given. Be happy for them too, if you are able, but don't be concerned about being one of them. No one has a perfect life, even if many people do have lives that may seem "so much better" than your own does to you. Things could always be worse but have faith. Live for today!
So, you've been kicked, bullied, body-shamed, mistreated, cheated on, attacked, discouraged and put down time and again, yet here you are. YOU are STILL HERE! What can you do for yourself to recognize the fact that MAYBE you never turned to drugs, alcohol or bizarre addictions after all of the crazy shit that has happened to you, when many others have used that excuse to expect, if not to demand, recognition for temporarily over-coming some personal short fall? And the thing is, when they do seek recognition for things like that, it is because we need to feel like we are doing something worthy.
Why am I telling you this? Because this is YOUR one life on this earth at this time. "Stuff" doesn't really matter in the long run. Your well-being, self-acceptance and self-awareness matters. You matter. Perhaps you try so hard to find your rewards in this life by doing everything that is considered as "right" as you can make it, but nothing comes of it, that you can see or feel. Do it anyway. Maybe your reward is not here at this time. More on that soon. For now, let's just say, "Maybe for you, it comes in some other way at another time and perhaps even in another place." Could it be that those people who appear to have the kind of life that you wish you had, are just people who just happen to be getting their rewards in this time and place. It doesn't mean that you will NEVER get yours, nor does it mean that "they" deserve all the things that you cannot seem to get HERE and now. When and how will your time come? Have you ever had little glimpses? Aren't there some pleasant times to recall, even if long ago and far away? Has it always been gloom? Is there any spark of wishful thinking left in you?
Isolation is more than just being or feeling alone. It is a deep-set feeling of being different, or not fitting in, feeling unworthy or feeling hopeless, even if it is your own perception alone. You can be surrounded with people and still feel completely alone within yourself, your own judgment, self-loathing, recurring patterns of highs and lows, or maybe something else is up. Will it pass? Have you felt this way before? If so, did it pass? How our minds function is as unique and individual as our outside appearance. Inside, are YOU what you look like on the outside? What attributes would you change about yourself if you could? Would it change who you are on the inside? Would looking like the person you want to present to the world change you? Maybe at least a little, right? Of course, the way other people make us feel accumulates inside and it affects our behavior. Will you get the chance to be heard, seen, or recognized for the good that is INSIDE of you? I think so, but not necessarily HERE and just now. Don't give up your goodness though, simply because it seems to go unnoticed - do it anyway. You have a reason to be here OR you would not be here now. No one is worthless - especially not you! Someone in some realm, somewhere recognizes and sees the beauty within YOU right now, but it is not within our simple abilities to recognize them and to believe it is real!
The lives of those lucky people who have seemingly made it, fascinates us and we may want to grasp even a little piece of it for ourselves, understandably. But we shouldn't judge those people who seem to have it all, simply because we do not have what they have. We can only see them from our current perspectives. They may be doing some of the very things that I ask you to do, which is to just keep being YOU. LIVE in the present but know you have been shaped by a past that you are not being asked to forget about. Just do your best. Take advantage of opportunities that come to you, "if and when" it feels right for you. You will see unimaginably undeserving people receiving grand rewards while a more deserving person receives yet another tragedy instead of something for their good deeds. Life is not fair, and it never will be, but at some point, if you keep doing your best, your time will come too. Some people's personalities are so "out there" that they are just bound to make it, one way or another, whether or not they have the looks, talent, or money. They have "something" that works for them.
Maybe by doing something really well or being in the right place at the right time they get recognized and may even become famous. You'll have that time and place too, if you believe - to whatever degree you feel you have earned. Don't give up and don't let anyone defeat you or belittle you. Don't expect anything to be given to you and don't look for the one-in-a-billion lottery win! YOU know your own strengths better than anyone. When it comes down to it, what human-being do you count on to ALWAYS be there for you? If there is someone, what if that suddenly changes? YOU must count on YOU to pull yourself through all of the challenges that you will face. So, it is up to you to make something happen too! If this life, that you are living is the test, do the best you can to pass it. People here and now do not have to see the reward you are earning. Be happy for those who get theirs during your lifespan on this realm where you reside but believe yours is coming and everything that you do and say matters and is part of the struggle that you have been given to deal with in this place. All of your actions are part of who you are (with a few exceptions). Your reward comes too. Believe in yourself and just start living for today. The good has its place and time. Understand that may not be here and now for YOU, even if everyone around you is showered with riches, joy and/or blessings!
STOP putting yourself down right now, just because it is the way that you have learned to feel, doesn't mean you can't be good to yourself. Your mind does not have to reinforce every bad thing that you have been told or led to believe that you are! You're NOT those things. Whatever came out of someone else's mouth came from their minds, not yours! Don't harm yourself because someone else has done you wrong. Their words did not make you who you are - your reactions did that. People can be intentionally cruel to the bone. Chemical imbalances are a real thing too. Maybe theirs.... or maybe our own! We can shock ourselves at how we once acted or the way we once thought about things. We do change as we open our minds to accept and see beyond what we once knew. We continue to learn, grow and see more even as our bodies age and begin to fail us in unexpected ways. We learn that we have had times where we have said things we shouldn't have said, and we have behaved in ways that would horrify us now to even think about. We have to accept whatever we did in our past but also realize that we were shaped and or influenced by whatever atmosphere and environment that we were in at the time. We do change. It's just part of the process. Who we "hang with" and what we are going through affects us in different ways as we live and grow. We won't react the same way as we once did, if we expect a different result this time.
What about me? I can do anything! Magical and amazing things! A "creative genius," I've been called, but no one really knows me. Is it okay to praise myself and pat my own back? SURE! I'm not going to pay someone else to do it. I know all of my life stories without having to pay someone to sit and listen to the lessons I have learned. I wanted everything! I tried everything too - well, within reason. I WAS a beautiful child with incredible talents! Beginning at five years of age, things changed for me in really bad, unhealthy, dangerous ways. Do I expect praise for surviving the abuse I wrote about in my books? No! Even if my life reads like a comedy-horror, I can't make anyone care about it. I don't know how to "sell" myself, so maybe I'm not for sale after all. Maybe if I keep doing what I am doing, I can make life better for someone else instead? I have failed at most things I have tried, but like you, I am STILL HERE! I have to keep going - I've come this far and maybe my reward is not here yet. But that doesn't mean I will give up. "HERE" is all we know and seemingly ALL we have, but we don't know what we cannot see or comprehend. I will continue to make mistakes, say the wrong things and do things that other people will judge me for, but you know what? That's okay. I may not ace this test of my life, but at least I know what it is and that I must not give up just because I am not happy with how it has gone so far. It isn't over yet, for me nor you, if you are reading this. We have to work on making it get better. It is a conscious effort.
Yeah, this line was meant to be something so brilliant that it would change your life completely - but I can't write that line here and now because that would be cheating, right? Giving you inside answers to those divine questions? Nope, it's not my place to do so, even if I think I know something that you don't. Besides, you can find anything online, right? I cannot alter anyone's life in any way, if they chose not to read my words. It is not up to me to give you what you are looking for, but I am rooting for you nonetheless, and I hope you don't stop looking for it! Read between the lines, leave no stone unturned - this is your one chance, so take it! Your test is to find your joy in this life all while dodging obstacles, accidents, and "oopsies!"
When I talked about my life stories, I was harshly judged by some people, but maybe I reached someone, somewhere who may have just needed to know that they were not alone in having experienced unmentionable things. Murder, torture, rape, years upon years of abuse, years of blocked or locked up memories, having seen and experienced things no child was meant to see has made me this person that I am now. Those sorts of things can be difficult to talk about and might make certain people feel very uncomfortable. We cannot learn from lessons unshared. Many life-lessons are beyond tough, but it is still part of life. We need to bring issues to light and keep as many out of the dark as we can!
I remain flawed and I acknowledge that I always will be, but that in itself does not make me less worthy than anyone. I lied, I cheated, and I stole food to survive, and I went through periods of time without shoes, but I recognize the hardships and struggles in others because of my own. I can sense it without being told - among other things. There are frequencies upon which we each resonate. Well, that is for another long story, come back for that one if I decide to share later. But back to the here and now, I became a teacher, and I saw myself in some of the most disturbed and under-privileged children who needed nothing more than to be acknowledged and cared about. For many, "Home-life" is a terrifying place where you are harmed or feel unwanted. "Feeling" unloved even for a lifetime does not make you incapable of being loved or of giving love. There is no limit to the amount of love you can give or receive, and it is entirely free. Endless and FREE! With harm to NONE! Tolerance, LOVE and trying to be understanding and compassionate. It takes an effort.
Hate, on the other hand, has many costs. Seen and unseen costs, that I will not go into. Just think about it. What good has ever come from reducing the worth of any living thing, that may not look or think just like you do? Just because something is different, does it mean it is less than. There would be no need for any of us or for life at all if we all looked and thought the same way - that would make us puppets, by the way, merely for the entertainment of whomever pulls our strings. We all have a unique purpose, and we have to know that all of our attempts to fit in, are not in vain. At some point, somewhere, our rewards come. We get to pull our own strings. I welcome people into my life to talk about anything - anything at all, without judgement and while I may feel your pain, I will not pity you because if you are still here, you should be recognized for your strengths not discarded for all that you have overcome to this point. Again, we are pack-animals, and we need to talk to each other and to hear from each other. BE who you are on the inside, because those who will only see you for how you look on the surface will always be superficial people - go deeper! If you like my words, I thank you. If you don't, then we can talk about it without judgement or cruelty. We're all as innocent as fresh little puppies until we are taught otherwise. When there is no one left for you - YOU will STILL be here. The next move is yours. Blessed be. I hope to talk to you again soon. I can only mean as much to you as you allow me to be. I will hear you and I do care. I can't reach you if I do not know you are there. Exist!
